Joke #1-
The Preacher

Tony was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Tony's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Tony used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Tony died. He said, "You know, Tony handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Tony, I'm sure it's a wonderful message."

He opened the note, and read, "Get off my oxygen tube!"

#2
Why I Didn't Show Up For Work-


I had twelve bottles of whisky in my celler, and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each bottle down the sink or else. So I said I would, and proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the drain with the ecception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted tho cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink and poured the bottle down the glass which I drank; pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it and threw tho rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out ot the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drank and drinked the pour. When I had every one emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, and glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again and finally had all the houses in one bottle which I drank.

I was not under tho alcofluence of incohol, as some theople pink I was.

I was not as thunk as you might drink. I felt so feelish, I didn't know who was me, and the drunker I stood thero the longer I got

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Column Heading

#3 A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like
two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."
The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir,
but our delivery truck broke down this morning. We're out of
chocolate,"
"In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of
chocolate ice cream."
"You don't understand, sir," the girl says. "We have no
chocolate."
"Then just give me some chocolate," he says.
Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir,
will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"
The man says, "V-A-N."
"Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."
"OK. S-T-R-A-W."
"Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."
The man hesitates. Then he says. "There is no stink in
chocolate."
"THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she
screams.

#4

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the
family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the
money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you the People.

The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother,
we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy
goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake
her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes
back
to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand
the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your
own
words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while
the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is
in Deep Shit."